The Break

"They told me that the wiring was somehow all misfiring and screwing up the signals in my brain."

For the first time since starting this blog I missed posting on my allotted days. Last week I basically had a break down and so posting on here was the very last thing on my mind.

To be honest it's been a long time coming, the past couple of months have been rough and I managed to deal with them, or so I thought. Turns out I was doing my usual trick of pushing things back and ignoring them until they built up and I broke down.

Let me set the scene for you.

Annabelle gets a work experience placement, she begins working, actually doing something with her days. Then it dawns on her this is actually delaying her return to London. She feels like she's suffocating in the office. It's so quiet and she really does not fit in.

Then half way through the week her car breaks down. She does not have the money to fix it.

Add this on top of giving up a travel job and realising she could have been in Paris at this point, the fact that the auditions she gave up said job for fell through and the loss of her Uncle and you can see where this is going.

Except I couldn't! Now I'm a stickler for doing things by the rules, even if it screws me over, which it has done in the past. This time around... oh boy.

I left the office on Friday evening and just didn't go back. 

Never in my life have I ever done anything like that and it worried me! It also showed me it's not the end of the world if you don't do every little thing by the book.

So now I am back being unemployed, trying to sort out my head. Let's try and make light of this situation.

What I learnt:

-I can cope better with set backs, but I still need help.

-You are on the right path, so stop doubting it!

-There are so many more options than you knew, start grabbing for them.

Wish me luck, the same to you.

Annabelle

xoxo

Catch Me I'm Falling

 Another day, another rejection. I didn't get the one from Sunday and, yes, I'm hugely disappointed.

"What did I do wrong? Why didn't they like me?" 

I'm okay at dealing with rejection, but every now and again (usually after a couple of them in a row) I get those horrible voices that pop up in the back of my mind.

 You're not good enough, you can't even get a supporting role in regional theatre what makes you think you can become a professional? You're 23 years old, that's too old to just be starting you should already be there. And then a list of people I admire and where they were at my age. (Aaron Tveit was already on Broadway in Hairspray no less, Sam Barks was in the Les Miserables movie! And you are sat on your behind at your parents... keep dreaming.)

 It's probably safe to say the reason I can deal with rejection and criticism well is due to the fact they will never be as harsh as my own mind. It all starts with one thought then my brain grabs onto that and runs with it, going around and around in circles until we're back at square one and curled into a ball of self loathing and tears.

 It used to cripple me, but I've got a lot better. I still think that way, I think we all do at some point, but I know not to let it affect me so much. So what those people were at so and so by my age, they're not me, they haven't been through my journey. When the time is right for you it will happen.

So I will keep being as prepared as possible for each and every audition and try my hardest to keep those voices at bay. I mean 23 isn't too old, right? In the eyes of everyone outside the theatre community I'm young! I just need to keep telling myself that.

 Wish me luck, the same to you.

Annabelle

xoxo

That's all we need.

"Gimme, gimme that thing called love!" The last note rings around the rehearsal/ dance/ whatever room. Nailed it, and I never thought with my nerves and how dry my throat felt just seconds ago that I'd be able to hit it and sustain it but things went better than expected.

 "That's all we need. Thank you for coming." The panel smiles and I collect my sheet music from the pianist who gives me a sympathetic smile, walking out the room my only thoughts are "Don't cry, don't cry, don't bloody cry!"

 That's all you get, you spend hours waiting around working yourself up, your heart apparently deciding it wants to become a gymnast as it does backflips in your chest and your stomach ties itself into such a tight knot that food is not an option, no matter how long you're there for. Then after weeks of preparation your sixteen bars are through and "That's all we need..." It's brutal, and frustrating!

 What did I do wrong? Why didn't they like me? You'll just never know.

 Auditioning isn't fun, no matter how you try and spin it into a performance it's terrifying! The only moment of calm you get is when you start to sing and everything just melts away and you think, "yes, this is why I'm putting myself through this." To sing, to act, to do the thing I love the most. 

 I've known all along that wanting to become a performer would be so much harder than I could imagine. After every rejection I'd have to pick myself up again and prepare for the next one. I've come up with my own method of dealing with it. I allow myself to mope about for a couple of hours/ a day, depending on how much I wanted the job or what I'm doing with the rest of my day, then let it go. 

 I can't just let it go straight away. a) I'm not wired in that way and b) It's hard when you really care about something! But allowing myself time to be sad means that when it comes to moving on and picking myself up again it's a lot easier!

 So that's where I am. Picking up the pieces of loosing the role of Tracy Turnblad (I really wanted this one) and trying to move onto the next opportunity, whatever that is.

Wish me luck, the same to you!

Annabelle

xoxo