Catch Me I'm Falling

 Another day, another rejection. I didn't get the one from Sunday and, yes, I'm hugely disappointed.

"What did I do wrong? Why didn't they like me?" 

I'm okay at dealing with rejection, but every now and again (usually after a couple of them in a row) I get those horrible voices that pop up in the back of my mind.

 You're not good enough, you can't even get a supporting role in regional theatre what makes you think you can become a professional? You're 23 years old, that's too old to just be starting you should already be there. And then a list of people I admire and where they were at my age. (Aaron Tveit was already on Broadway in Hairspray no less, Sam Barks was in the Les Miserables movie! And you are sat on your behind at your parents... keep dreaming.)

 It's probably safe to say the reason I can deal with rejection and criticism well is due to the fact they will never be as harsh as my own mind. It all starts with one thought then my brain grabs onto that and runs with it, going around and around in circles until we're back at square one and curled into a ball of self loathing and tears.

 It used to cripple me, but I've got a lot better. I still think that way, I think we all do at some point, but I know not to let it affect me so much. So what those people were at so and so by my age, they're not me, they haven't been through my journey. When the time is right for you it will happen.

So I will keep being as prepared as possible for each and every audition and try my hardest to keep those voices at bay. I mean 23 isn't too old, right? In the eyes of everyone outside the theatre community I'm young! I just need to keep telling myself that.

 Wish me luck, the same to you.

Annabelle

xoxo

The Audition

 After the harsh "That's all we need," yesterday was a nice surprise. To begin with the people holding the audition were incredibly lovely. (I'm not saying the others were horrible, I just had about 10 seconds with them and that's not enough time to tell!) 

 As you know the day started with a dance audition. We were taught a routine from Newsies. For those of you familiar with the show can you imagine my intense fear when I hear that name come up, especially as a none dancer! For those of you unfamiliar here is a video to show you the standard these guys are at...

(The insanely incredible dancing starts around 2 minutes in.)

 At that point I thought, might as well give up, you're dead meat! Oh boy was I wrong. For starters the way the guy ran the audition was extremely relaxed, he'd make jokes (Including A Chorus Line "Again... Again....Again..." thrown in for good measure!) If you were stuck he would run over it with you without being snotty about it and when it came to actually performing it if you were very stuck he got up and ran it with you. 

 I can say very proudly that A) My group managed to perform the dance unsupervised... whether I got all the moves or not is another thing, but I did it with a smile on my face, and B) I didn't fall on my behind! That for me is a huge success compared to my last dance audition.

 Then came the singing... this was my time to shine! I sang No Good Deed from Wicked and am so happy with the way it went. If you add in the laughs I had with some girls I met the day was actually one I will look back on fondly, even if I don't get a part. And this is how I will look back at every audition from now on, by listing the things I achieved and learnt from the day rather than focusing on the bad. So here goes...

- I learnt a very hard dance combination for me, and managed to overcome my worries and perform it with a smile and a character.

- I remained standing through the entire thing!

- I met some wonderful people who pulled me out of my shell enough to dance in a very crowded street and sing in a pub, two things the old Annabelle would never dream of doing. (Well, maybe after a couple of pints...)

- I belted my little heart out managing to put character into my song, despite my nerves.

 All in all I'm happy! Now I need to wait out the week to see if I get a part or not.

Wish me luck, the same to you!

Annabelle

xoxo

Dancing Through Life

 On Sunday I have another audition, it's for regional theatre this time around and that makes it no less scary than any other in my mind! In fact it's even more terrifying as it starts with a dance audition.

 Now I'm okay at dancing if you give me time to pick up the steps, I've had some training and figured out my problem is confidence. (I know, join the club!) That doesn't stop me sabotaging myself every time a dance audition comes around.

 Let me give you an example. I had an audition for Into the Woods, having never heard the music before (remember my thing of not researching shows until I've seen them...) that was a big enough issue, thank you very much Mr. Sondheim. On top of that I had to learn a dance routine... I picked up the steps easy enough and while rehearsing as a group I felt pretty confident, hidden, able to watch the choreographer.

 Then it comes time for the groups of four to perform it and when one of the turns comes up I fall flat on my backside. There was no way to hide this, I was sprawled on the floor very ungracefully scrambling to get back up and complete the rest of the combination head down in shame.

 It's safe to say I didn't get the part... or any part for that matter!

[Source]

 So how do I stop myself doing the same on Sunday? If you have any ideas please let me know because I sure don't. I'm naturally a very nervous person, something happens when I sing that takes it all away, the same can't be said for dancing.

 It's that thing that when I sing I stop over thinking, everything becomes very simple and life is one big happy pie full of rainbows and fluffy bunnies. (I'm not sure either.) When I dance in front of people I other think. Should my arm be here or 3.5 inches up to the very slight left? Yeah my perfectionist comes out in full form and as someone who falls over their own feet while walking, trying to manoeuvre while thinking about if your head should be tilted to the left looking to the right while your arms flip to both sides is near impossible.

 On the plus side there are plenty of female parts that require no dancing, Eponine. Elphaba, she's actually meant to be awful! Natalie in Next to Normal, Molly in Ghost, any of the girls in Hair. Just flail and you're a hippy!

Wish me luck, the same to you!

Annabelle

xoxo

That's all we need.

"Gimme, gimme that thing called love!" The last note rings around the rehearsal/ dance/ whatever room. Nailed it, and I never thought with my nerves and how dry my throat felt just seconds ago that I'd be able to hit it and sustain it but things went better than expected.

 "That's all we need. Thank you for coming." The panel smiles and I collect my sheet music from the pianist who gives me a sympathetic smile, walking out the room my only thoughts are "Don't cry, don't cry, don't bloody cry!"

 That's all you get, you spend hours waiting around working yourself up, your heart apparently deciding it wants to become a gymnast as it does backflips in your chest and your stomach ties itself into such a tight knot that food is not an option, no matter how long you're there for. Then after weeks of preparation your sixteen bars are through and "That's all we need..." It's brutal, and frustrating!

 What did I do wrong? Why didn't they like me? You'll just never know.

 Auditioning isn't fun, no matter how you try and spin it into a performance it's terrifying! The only moment of calm you get is when you start to sing and everything just melts away and you think, "yes, this is why I'm putting myself through this." To sing, to act, to do the thing I love the most. 

 I've known all along that wanting to become a performer would be so much harder than I could imagine. After every rejection I'd have to pick myself up again and prepare for the next one. I've come up with my own method of dealing with it. I allow myself to mope about for a couple of hours/ a day, depending on how much I wanted the job or what I'm doing with the rest of my day, then let it go. 

 I can't just let it go straight away. a) I'm not wired in that way and b) It's hard when you really care about something! But allowing myself time to be sad means that when it comes to moving on and picking myself up again it's a lot easier!

 So that's where I am. Picking up the pieces of loosing the role of Tracy Turnblad (I really wanted this one) and trying to move onto the next opportunity, whatever that is.

Wish me luck, the same to you!

Annabelle

xoxo